The Grief of Not being Mothered

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The Grief of Not being Mothered

I spent this past weekend replenishing my mind, body, and soul at a wellness spa.

The body was the easy part - fun workouts, good clean food, and some great massages always do the trick for me.

Taking a break from the news and social media did it for my mind.

The soul, however... that was the tricky part.

You see I have been feeling a little off-kilter lately. Not really sad. Not really happy. Kind of like just going through the motions without the joy. You know those times, right?

I signed up for every service that I thought could help me dive deep, could crack open my heart, and could help me unblock what was holding me back. 

I tried a Soul Journey, and an Inner Journey, and lots of quiet reflection. I meditated, I pondered, I came up with so many theories...

Maybe I am working too hard...

Maybe it's the weather...

Maybe it's the political situation or menopause or not eating enough carbs???

I couldn't figure it out.

But it wasn't until the very last day that I had a breakthrough. It was during my energy healing session that I felt it. 

I felt PAIN. Excruciating, almost couldn't breathe, chest exploding pain that was buried so deep. In fact, I didn't even know the extreme level of pain I had been feeling until it released.

I missed having a mom.

This was not the grief of losing my mom. This was the eternal grief of not being mothered.

And this pain was blocking my joy.

Truth be told, my mom was not the greatest mother for me. She was not that comforting or wise. She hardly ever visited and didn't seem particularly interested in my life.

But she was still my mom. And I will always love her and know that she loved me even if she had trouble showing it sometimes. 

I had worked so hard to mindfully grieve that I thought I was through it. But, not being mothered is a hole that can not ever be filled. 


So what now?

I  know that my life is filled with so much love and joy that I will be damned if I don't appreciate it, feel it, and rejoice in it.

My soul is feeling much freer already but I know to truly break through this period, I must keep up the work. I must continue to peel away the layers buried deep inside and I must actively pursue joy as if my life depended on it.

Because, truthfully, it does.

And, I can think of no better tribute to my mom and to my own children than to choose joy. 







 

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Family Got You Feeling Flawed?

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Family Got You Feeling Flawed?

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If so, are you feeling a little off balance? Confused? Wondering why all of your coping skills that you’ve been practicing for months just fell by the wayside.

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5 THINGS to ADD to Your Life in 2018

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5 THINGS to ADD to Your Life in 2018

Are you sick of making New Year’s Resolutions that only REMOVE things from your diet or life in general? You know, the “I want to lose 5 pounds” or “I want to clean out the pantry” or “I want to get rid of those toxic relationships”? I know I am!

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12 Healthy Tips for Surviving the 12 Days of Christmas

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12 Healthy Tips for Surviving the 12 Days of Christmas

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I'm Not Pregnant, Just Bloated!

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I'm Not Pregnant, Just Bloated!

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Well, sometimes I do, and I have for the last 25 years. YIKES!

If you saw me on the street, you probably wouldn’t notice my bloated belly because it is usually stuffed inside my tight jeans or spandex undies. However, if you happened to be present with me as I unzipped my jeans at the end of one of those days, you would crack up and say “whoa - she wasn’t kidding!”

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CERTAINTY IN AN UNCERTAIN WORLD

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CERTAINTY IN AN UNCERTAIN WORLD

Mass shootings. Natural disasters. Death. Accidents. Terrorism. Political unrest. Heath. Safety. Money. Relationships….

There is so much intensity in the air right now.

Intensity that rips our hearts open with fear.

How can we cope?

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EVERY SINGLE PAINFUL UGLY FEELING

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EVERY SINGLE PAINFUL UGLY FEELING

I had made myself vulnerable.

I had shared my stories of pain, not-good-enoughness while growing up, and how for most of my life I had distracted myself from feeling my feelings.

Now I felt naked.

I needed to hide from the intense feelings...

So, I crafted my escape plan.

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Have You Thought About Taking a Break From Sugar?

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A TRAVEL TRICK FOR YOUR NEXT TRIP!

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The bread, the wine, the cheese, and the gelato.... they all call out to us. Eat me! Eat me! No, Eat me! 

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I get it. I used to be that way too.

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