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The Grief of Not being Mothered

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The Grief of Not being Mothered

I spent this past weekend replenishing my mind, body, and soul at a wellness spa.

The body was the easy part - fun workouts, good clean food, and some great massages always do the trick for me.

Taking a break from the news and social media did it for my mind.

The soul, however... that was the tricky part.

You see I have been feeling a little off-kilter lately. Not really sad. Not really happy. Kind of like just going through the motions without the joy. You know those times, right?

I signed up for every service that I thought could help me dive deep, could crack open my heart, and could help me unblock what was holding me back. 

I tried a Soul Journey, and an Inner Journey, and lots of quiet reflection. I meditated, I pondered, I came up with so many theories...

Maybe I am working too hard...

Maybe it's the weather...

Maybe it's the political situation or menopause or not eating enough carbs???

I couldn't figure it out.

But it wasn't until the very last day that I had a breakthrough. It was during my energy healing session that I felt it. 

I felt PAIN. Excruciating, almost couldn't breathe, chest exploding pain that was buried so deep. In fact, I didn't even know the extreme level of pain I had been feeling until it released.

I missed having a mom.

This was not the grief of losing my mom. This was the eternal grief of not being mothered.

And this pain was blocking my joy.

Truth be told, my mom was not the greatest mother for me. She was not that comforting or wise. She hardly ever visited and didn't seem particularly interested in my life.

But she was still my mom. And I will always love her and know that she loved me even if she had trouble showing it sometimes. 

I had worked so hard to mindfully grieve that I thought I was through it. But, not being mothered is a hole that can not ever be filled. 


So what now?

I  know that my life is filled with so much love and joy that I will be damned if I don't appreciate it, feel it, and rejoice in it.

My soul is feeling much freer already but I know to truly break through this period, I must keep up the work. I must continue to peel away the layers buried deep inside and I must actively pursue joy as if my life depended on it.

Because, truthfully, it does.

And, I can think of no better tribute to my mom and to my own children than to choose joy. 







 

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Family Got You Feeling Flawed?

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Family Got You Feeling Flawed?

Have you spent a lot of time with family these last few weeks?

If so, are you feeling a little off balance? Confused? Wondering why all of your coping skills that you’ve been practicing for months just fell by the wayside.

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Feeling Connected in a Disconnected World

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Feeling Connected in a Disconnected World

The truth of the matter is, we live in a crazy world where we can be connected through email, voicemail, Facebook messenger, texting, Instagram, Snapchat, and so many more ways. However, we still feel more disconnected than ever.

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Oops I did it AGAIN!

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Oops I did it AGAIN!

I just spent a very fun weekend in Las Vegas with a group of friends. Though Britney Spears was on vacation from her nightly Vegas concert, we did get to see another great show call Zumanity! I tried to eat healthy and keep to my workout regimen while I was there, BUT by the end of the weekend I couldn't help but OVER-INDULGE!

Yes, it still happens to me and I pay the price in a big way in terms of weight gain, bloating, and fatigue BUT I keep in mind that I did have FUN. Lots of fun. Having good times with friends, jumping out of your comfort zone, and shaking up your routine is not only fun but it is HEALTHY too!

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How I Ditched My Inner Skinny Bitch

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How I Ditched My Inner Skinny Bitch

My inner skinny bitch used to start her day by getting on the scale. If the number was within the three-pound acceptability range, she smiled and reached for the tight fitting Lululemon top. If the number was even half a pound above the outer limit, panic set in. As did crankiness, Spanx panties, and non-stick clothing. The day was off to a bad start. Being a skinny bitch does not mean you are skinny, or even a bitch. It is a state of mind and, for the purposes of this article, it is our inner critic who spends way too much time worrying about the fluctuations on the scale and tummy flab and thus adding even more stress and cortisol to our already stressful lives.

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Ballet School Drop-Out

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Ballet School Drop-Out

Sadly, by age four I was a ballet school drop-out.  Over the years I went on to become a jazz dance drop-out, ballroom dance drop-out, hip-hop drop-out, and most recently a Zumba drop-out.  This may not seem like a big deal to you, but for me it was a HUGE problem. You see, I have always loved to dance. I’m just not a “dancer.”

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