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Lisa

The Grief of Not being Mothered

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The Grief of Not being Mothered

I spent this past weekend replenishing my mind, body, and soul at a wellness spa.

The body was the easy part - fun workouts, good clean food, and some great massages always do the trick for me.

Taking a break from the news and social media did it for my mind.

The soul, however... that was the tricky part.

You see I have been feeling a little off-kilter lately. Not really sad. Not really happy. Kind of like just going through the motions without the joy. You know those times, right?

I signed up for every service that I thought could help me dive deep, could crack open my heart, and could help me unblock what was holding me back. 

I tried a Soul Journey, and an Inner Journey, and lots of quiet reflection. I meditated, I pondered, I came up with so many theories...

Maybe I am working too hard...

Maybe it's the weather...

Maybe it's the political situation or menopause or not eating enough carbs???

I couldn't figure it out.

But it wasn't until the very last day that I had a breakthrough. It was during my energy healing session that I felt it. 

I felt PAIN. Excruciating, almost couldn't breathe, chest exploding pain that was buried so deep. In fact, I didn't even know the extreme level of pain I had been feeling until it released.

I missed having a mom.

This was not the grief of losing my mom. This was the eternal grief of not being mothered.

And this pain was blocking my joy.

Truth be told, my mom was not the greatest mother for me. She was not that comforting or wise. She hardly ever visited and didn't seem particularly interested in my life.

But she was still my mom. And I will always love her and know that she loved me even if she had trouble showing it sometimes. 

I had worked so hard to mindfully grieve that I thought I was through it. But, not being mothered is a hole that can not ever be filled. 


So what now?

I  know that my life is filled with so much love and joy that I will be damned if I don't appreciate it, feel it, and rejoice in it.

My soul is feeling much freer already but I know to truly break through this period, I must keep up the work. I must continue to peel away the layers buried deep inside and I must actively pursue joy as if my life depended on it.

Because, truthfully, it does.

And, I can think of no better tribute to my mom and to my own children than to choose joy. 







 

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Silencing My Inner Extrovert

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Silencing My Inner Extrovert

We live in an age of distraction and focusing our attention is harder than ever. Not a day goes by when we are not told how important it is to really listen to others but we are seldom reminded how important it is to listen to ourselves as well.

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Would you Pose in your Panties?

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Would you Pose in your Panties?

Do you ever look back at a photo and think "Wow, I looked so much better back then?" even though at the time, you didn't think you looked that great? Well that is how I feel right now when I look at this picture. It was taken this past October right before the pie overload on Thanksgiving, the daily cocktails in Miami, and the chocolate chip cookie overdose on New Years Eve.  

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Pecan Pie Couldn't Heal My Pain

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Pecan Pie Couldn't Heal My Pain

Thanksgiving was a tough one for my family this year. Our dog was put to sleep a couple of nights before. My father-in-law passed away last month. My father has terminal cancer. And the list goes on from there. Sounds like I had more than enough justification to consume an entire pecan pie along with the stuffing and marshmallow-smothered sweet potatoes. In the past, I probably would have done just that. I would have let myself get caught up in the "woe is me -- I so deserve to comfort myself with anything and everything" and I would have fallen into a downward spiral of sugar and despair. But I didn't do that this time.

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